OUT OF GAS

Did you know kids have a gas meter?

Everything about toddlers fascinates me... even the not so tiny noises that come from their compact little bodies. And as they turn into bigger kids, the noises can be downright embarrassing.

Our family was on our way to the movies when my not-so-toddlerish son, Jordan, passed gas in front of God and the entire movie line. I wanted to hide or act like he was someone else's kid at that moment, but it was too late, he was holding my hand.

"Jordan, you know that is something you do in private," I said.

Without missing a beat, Jordan replied, "Don't worry, Mom. I won't do it again. I'm all out of gas!"

Everyone within hearing range began to laugh. All I could think was... I'm glad this kid's gas meter is empty.

And then... there's another thing about gas...

One of my girlfriends got into my station wagon with her set of twin boys to chat for a minute after kindergarten. Her boys began to whoop it up with my set of girl/boy twins, Charli and Jordan. Giggles and wrestling shook my car. When our conversation hit the three-minute mark, my friend stopped me in mid-sentence with a cough.

"Ohhh," I said, "there seems to be some friendly gas roaming 'round this car."

"Extremely friendly," she chimed in. "Come on boys, time to go."

They exited the car at the three-and-a-half-minute mark. When the door closed behind them, I turned to Charli and Jordan. Before I could ask the obvious question, Jordan 'fessed up.

"It was me Mommy... there was no noise!"

Geez... just had to be my kid.

Charli pinched her nose.

"Jordan, please tell me your gas meter is empty!"

"All done," he smiled.

And then... there's even a third thing about gas...

By the time my twins got to elementary school, they showed me how creative they could be with flatulence. Charli and Jordan came home one afternoon and proceeded to each get straws and tuck them under their arm pits. They took a big breath and blew, immediately turning themselves into human whoopie cushions.

"That's a ten on the gas meter!" Jordan yelled. "I can't wait to show Dad!"

"Who, at school, taught you this?" I asked.

"We didn't learn this at school," Jordan said. "Our cousin taught us!"

"What can I say? True genius runs in our family."

We are always telling our kids what to eat, what to wear, when to eat, when to go to bed, on and on... hopefully with a few choices in this mix. Authority over their flatulence is one of the things we adults can't control; and in some small way, gives kids a feeling of power and pleasure. Kids never fail to astonish me and make me laugh at their creativity. I find myself constantly asking... THE KID DID WHAT?

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